The Island of the Day Before
by MarineWife
Summary: The pleasures of love are pains that become desirable, where sweetness and torment blend, and so love is voluntary insanity, infernal paradise, and celestial hell--in short, harmony of opposite yearnings, sorrowful laughter, soft diamond. Umberto Eco A/O


**Disclaimer: Characters aren't mine…**

Olivia's not exactly sure why she's here. She had meant to go home. That's where she should be at three o'clock in the morning after the day she just had. She should not be in front of their ADA's door. She's sure Alex needs to be up early in the morning. In the back of her mind is the hint of an idea that Alex has court in the morning, but the thought is just out of her grasp, so she stands, unsure of herself for what seems like the first time in her life, waiting to knock on the door but knowing she shouldn't.

She had a relatively late start today compared to most days; the first call didn't come in until past eight. As she stepped into the apartment, she saw the kitchen to her right. In her mind, she saw a woman rushing to fix the breakfast plates that sat untouched on the counter and making the peanut butter and jelly sandwich that was unfinished on the island and calling for the little girl Olivia knew would be somewhere in the apartment to hurry up. And without a shadow of a doubt, Olivia somehow knew that the woman in her mind's eye would be the exact woman she was about to see lying murdered somewhere in this very apartment.

When she finally stepped into the living room, the sight she had been greeted with brought tears to her eyes. She can't remember the last time they had a messier case, but then again they all start blending into one another leaving nothing but a bloody, teary mess in her mind. But the sight that broke her heart was the six year old girl that was huddled beside her mother, head on her shoulder, arm around her waist, shaking her gently, begging her in broken sobs, "Wake up, Mommy. Mommy, please wake up."

When Olivia scooped up the little girl, Sasha, and held her tightly to her chest, both words and tears seized. Throughout the poking and prodding at the hospital, not another tear fell. When they returned to the precinct and Olivia sat with her in the children's room, not another word was said. After an hour of silence, George joined them, but Sasha ignored his questions as well. Even though Olivia knew she should be handling the case, helping Elliot chase down any possible leads, she couldn't drag herself away from this little girl.

After hours of complete silence from them both, Sasha crawled into her lap and let out gut-wrenching sobs as if her world was crumbling from beneath her, and Olivia felt tears in her own eyes because she knew it was. She rocked Sasha and rubbed her back and whispered comforting words in her ear until the sobs quieted. And when her tears subsided, Sasha looked up at her and Olivia felt her heart break at what she saw in them. Sasha seemed to be pleading with her to make everything right; to bring her mother back; to make the pain go away. And Olivia knew that no matter what happened, no matter if they solved the case or found Sasha an excellent foster home, nothing would ever be right again.

As Sasha buried her head back into Olivia's shoulder, she had the sudden thought that Alex's daughter would have the exact same eyes.

So the main reason Olivia found herself not able to knock on Alex's door was the fact that she didn't deserve to. She didn't deserve whatever comfort she knew Alex would give her when there was a six year old girl out there tonight without a mother and in a strange place where she was expected to be a good little girl so they could find her a new home. Just as Olivia decides she would go home and stare at her ceiling to get the rest she needed before going into work much earlier than the captain had said he expected her so she could throw herself into Sasha's mother's case, she realizes she has already knocked on the door. She looks at her fist and wonders just when she lost the ability to control her body.

And then Alex is opening the door and she can't think of a single thing to say, which really isn't all that uncommon for her, she's more comfortable with silence anyways. But then those eyes, so much like Sasha's, are looking at her, a sleepy haze still covering them, filled with questions. And again all she can think about is the fact that Alex's daughter would have the same exact eyes as Sasha. And all she knows is that she would give her right arm to prevent either Alex or the unthought-of child from ever having to deal with such pain.

Without even realizing she's moved, she's kissing Alex. Normally after a hard day, she's rough and demanding, so they are both startled when the kiss is the exact opposite and gentle. Olivia steps inside the apartment and silently shuts and locks the door behind her.

When she turns back from the door, Alex is stricken by the look in Olivia's eyes. She can't remember ever having seen Olivia look so lost. She has so many questions and worries, but she knows Olivia will only answer them when Olivia's ready to, which may be never, so instead of asking, Alex simply leans in for another kiss and helps Olivia out of her jacket before taking her hand and leading her to the bedroom.

Alex can't ever remember it being this slow, can't remember either of them taking this much time, but Olivia is stripping them both with as much care and kindness as she typically only shows victims, and Alex somehow mixes it up in her head as being the most considerate thing Olivia has ever done. And then Olivia is laying her back in the bed and kissing her deeply before moving on down her body.

Then Olivia is speaking, but not in the low growl she usually uses when they are making love, but in a whisper that Alex really wants to describe as reverent. Between the soft kisses and light touches that Alex can feel all the way to her soul, Olivia is telling her that she's beautiful, and how undeserving she is of Alex, and how sometimes she looks over to see Alex beside her and she is completely and totally surprised to see her there, and how Alex brightens up her days and lessens the darkness of her nights. And for an instant she's not sure if the moisture just meeting her skin is from Olivia's mouth or her tears.

There's a light fog in Alex's brain from the attention Olivia is applying to her entire body, but even if she could form the words, Alex doubts she would say them because she would be too afraid to disturb this sudden onslaught of information, too afraid that an interruption would put a stop to the words she has never heard before and is afraid she might not hear again.

And when Alex feels as if her entire body is about to burst, every nerve-ending dancing, Olivia enters her, and Alex has the sudden feeling that she's home. And then Olivia is telling her she never feels complete unless Alex is by her side, and then she voices the exact same thought Alex just had, that she feels like she's home when they are connected this way, that with Alex, in Alex, is exactly where she's supposed to be; that her entire life feels like it's lead up to this one point in time where they would be together, and now she's whole.

Alex feels tears in her eyes, but doesn't even have enough control to stop them, so they cascade down her cheeks, and Olivia leans up and kisses and licks them away whispering to her the entire time. Alex isn't sure how to describe it, but it's almost like making love for the first time, or maybe the last, either way it's the most beautiful thing she's ever experienced. And as much as it feels like neither her body nor her heart can take anymore and she just wants the orgasm to finally overtake her so she can come back to herself, she never wants this feeling to end. Alex can no longer hear the words because she feels like she's coming out of her skin and the pulse between her thighs just increased and her heart just skipped a few beats and her breath is coming out as gasping pants.

When she finally comes back to herself and opens her eyes, Alex isn't greeted with the lust-filled wildness she usually is, but she can't exactly place what's in Olivia's eyes either. She suddenly has the feeling that Olivia is looking directly into her mind, soul and heart and can see every failure, tragedy, mistake and tear she has ever experienced, and instead of being disgusted or shying away, Olivia accepts her by lying down beside her and enveloping her in her arms. Without her consent, Alex feels another piece of her heart being forfeited to Olivia Benson.

She scoffed at the ridiculous nicknames her friends kept throwing at her when this thing between her and Olivia started, seeming to come up with a new one every time they spoke of Olivia that was both disconcerting and perfect, but she couldn't help but believe in them. In the beginning, Alex kept Olivia at an arm's distance due to the warnings from her friends of 'Love 'Em and Leave 'Em Benson'. "She'll be the best lay you'll ever have, but don't get used to it because it won't last long," they had told her. And in the beginning it had been easy, but that was before she came to know Olivia. Then her friends were commenting on the fact that this was the longest 'Butchy McFabulous' had ever been with anyone and they had never seen her being so attentive with anyone before. Even then she tried to hold onto her heart with both hands, but she could feel it seeping out between the cracks of her fingers as if drawn like a magnet to Olivia. She's still not completely certain giving Olivia her heart is the smartest decision she's ever made, but now she's resigned to the fact that it's no longer in her control.

It's not even about all of the rumors anymore, but it's the fact that she doesn't believe she deserves Olivia. Because Olivia remembers how much milk she likes in her coffee and how much sugar goes in her tea. Because Olivia knows she loves grapes but hates grape flavored candy. Because Olivia knows her parents are homophobic and she has political aspirations and is willing to be her dirty little secret. Because Olivia knows that after a case, win or lose, Alex is going to go to a bar and get drunk. And Olivia somehow knows just how drunk Alex really wants to get and shows up at exactly the right time, before Alex gets too drunk, or she makes some inappropriate comment to one of the many that will have been fawning over her during the night. And Alex knows that it's not about Olivia being worried whether Alex will go home with one of her admirers, but without ever having voiced it she knows that Alex would loathe herself the next morning whether she and Olivia were together or not.

So in Alex's mind all of this boils down to the fact that she doesn't deserve Olivia, but she's selfish enough to want to hold onto her for as long as she can. Even if she's not completely sure as to what she's holding onto. Olivia has told her practically everything about herself: she's the product of rape; her greatest fear is that her father is lurking inside her waiting to jump out and harm those closest to her; she typically only dated men in the past because the fear of having her father's rage inside her was quieted by the fact that with a man she wouldn't be able to harm him; her mother was an emotionally and physically abusive drunk; she doesn't feel as if she deserves love, much less Alex's. But with all of this knowledge and so much more seemingly inconsequential details she knows of Olivia, she still feels like she doesn't really know her at all.

Alex is brought out of her thoughts when Olivia tightens her grip around Alex's waist and asks, "Do you know I love you?" Alex is surprised to hear these words. They never speak of their relationship, not as to where it's going or where it's been, so she is often left wondering where it is exactly she stands with the detective. On their good days she sometimes convinces herself Olivia loves her because as they say actions speak louder than words, but more often than not she tries to talk herself out of believing it because the pain she knows she would go through if it weren't true would be unbearable.

Before Alex can shake off her surprise quickly enough to answer, Olivia continues. Some of the things are simply repeats of what she's just said, but they mean so much more to Alex now because they're not being said through the lusty haze they had just been voiced in. Some of the things are new, like how when she's having a bad day the only thing that seems to make it better any more is Alex, not that she even has to do anything, just simply seeing her, being with her helps.

The thought that Alex shouldn't believe everything Olivia is telling her floats through her mind somewhere, but Alex can't remember exactly why she shouldn't believe her, so she ignores the voice and let's hope slowly build. And Olivia is speaking with such conviction and assuredness that Alex doubts that even if she could remember a single reason why she shouldn't believe Olivia, she would anyways.

As Alex listens to Olivia, she gets lost in the glow of it all. Olivia is such a quiet person that she sometimes forgets just how intelligent and empowering Olivia can be. As she listens to the flow of Olivia's words, she remembers. She also remembers that Olivia's mother was a college English professor as well as a drunk, and no matter how abusive she was towards Olivia, she had passed on all the knowledge she possibly could to her daughter.

And then Olivia stops, and there's tears rolling down both of their cheeks. Alex begs and pleads with herself to never forget this night, the way Olivia had made her body feel, her heart feel. And even while the thought still tickles in her mind that she's going to get hurt, she couldn't possibly hold back everything she's feeling right now. All of the words in her vocabulary combine into one single thought at this moment. She can think of nothing else to say, no other words that would allow Olivia a glimpse of the emotion rolling through her body right now. So she whispers, "I love you," over and over again. And she begins working her way down Olivia's body, whispering the words into her skin, hoping they make it through the tough exterior all the way to Olivia's heart, to her soul.

Alex is suddenly overcome by the feeling that Olivia is hers. She's never felt this way before. Olivia was never someone to be obtained or possessed, but suddenly Alex knows that it is exactly how it is supposed to be. She's been Olivia's all along, why can't Olivia be her's as well?

She bites down just above Olivia's hipbone and says the word, "Mine," with more conviction than she has ever felt before about anything. Because before tonight, it was never a word she would be confident with saying describing Olivia. Before tonight, the thought that Olivia would walk away was as much a certainty as was the fact that Olivia had unknowingly stolen her heart.

After they're both spent, they lay silently together, Olivia on her back staring at the ceiling, Alex with half of her body draped on Olivia's, head on her shoulder. Alex finally leans up on her elbow and studies Olivia. She can tell by the look in her eye that Olivia is trying to decide how much longer she's going to stay before leaving to go back into work. Before tonight, it would have made Alex feel inadequate, as if she weren't enough to keep Olivia there. But now she knows it has nothing to do with her and everything to do with the fact that Olivia is simply the very best at what she does and will never be satisfied with simply bathing in the afterglow when there's someone out there suffering.

Alex shamelessly watches as Olivia gets dressed. She wonders if she will ever get used to the fact that Olivia has an amazing body and if her body will always react to her this way. For the first time when Olivia leans over to kiss her, Alex isn't wondering if this could possibly be the last kiss, if this will be the last time that Olivia walks out her door, if this was the last time they will ever make love.

Alex rolls to her side to watch Olivia walk out of the bedroom and is slightly distracted by the sway of Olivia's hips that she knows is unintentional, but sexy none the less. She rolls onto her back and sighs when she hears the click of the front door. But this sigh isn't the same sigh she normally releases after Olivia leaves. It sounds different, feels different. This is not a sigh of distress, of unhappy thoughts. It's of happiness, peace. Because this is exactly how she feels.

And maybe it's just wishful thinking, but she has a feeling that this is how things will be from now on.


End file.
